When and why Marriage goes Bad

A successful marriage is not happenstance. It requires serious commitment and hard work. Most marriages start on a high note. The emotion of the wedding day, the physical high of a loving, willing and regular sex partner and the comfort of someone at home who cares for you and worries about you makes you that the world is your apple.

Then life happens, the world pushes in on the dream; reality has a way of waking us up, quite often abruptly. If the couple is unaware of the pressures they can start to lose their grasp on their love. Babies, jobs, career, education, bills, mortgages, moves, family and in-laws, illness, disease; all of these things put stress on a loving relationship. They take up time that used to be for the couple, time that was used to create intimacy.

As a marriage counselor one of the most common complaints is “I don’t think I’m in love with him/her anymore. I still love him/her but I don’t feel anything else.” Or “He/she is still my best friend but I don’t want anything else.” They both feel that they have no emotional connection with the other.

In dealing with these complaints I find the problem starts when the couple begins to take each other for granted. It is assumed that the other is on the same page, sacrifice for the other is just taken as a fact. No communication about needs desires and wants. The man finds the wife unavailable for sex and is often cold and uncooperative. The wife says that her husband does nothing for her, just wants her to lay down and perform on demand.

People often say that their break up was sudden and unexpected. In truth, the end started years before, when communication broke down and stopped, when they stopped doing little things for each other. When they let “life” overpower “living” and began believing that other things were more important than one another, that they could get through this and work on their relationship later. Doesn’t work.

Ignoring your lover, spouse and friend is a sure path to losing your lover. Why would they want to be intimate with someone who denies the needs that they have. Next, you lose your friend because of the way you treat them, ignoring, belittling, even unintentionally, putting them second causes the friend to believe that they really mean nothing to you. Finally, without having a anything good in the marriage they are gone.

The solution is simple. Be all the things for your spouse that you want them to be for you. Be the best person you can be for your partner. Live the golden rule. But most important of all is to talk and listen with your heart. Make sure that nothing ever comes between the love you share for each other. Remember that they are number one in your life and keep them there. Work constantly on your relationship; make it better, more fun, more emotional, resolve the issues and everyday problems. Talk, talk, talk. Do, do, do.