Happily Ever After?
My husband and I have been married for over four years. We’ve never had an argument. I could hear you scoffing to yourself when I wrote that. “This lady is full of it. Don’t hand me that. Of course you argue. Everybody argues.”
My right hand to God, we don’t argue. I swear it. Let me explain our situation to you a bit more, and maybe you’ll understand just why it is that we don’t argue. I write this in the hopes that our perspective will, in some small way, help you to see your own marriage in a better light.
For starters, we are in our late forties. This is not our first marriage. In fact, it’s our third time at bat, so to speak. Current statistics doom 50% of all first marriages, and 65% of all second marriages to divorce. We had no trouble living up to those statistics. Now, mind you, neither myself, nor my husband set out to be a statistic. It was never our goal as individuals or as a couple to make three trips to the altar. Those were just the unfortunate facts as we experienced them. We take marriage very seriously. Our previous breakups were the rock bottom last resorts for us both.
Our younger selves entered into each marriage with all of the hopes and dreams that most people have when they ‘take the plunge’. We promised to love, honor, and cherish til death, etc., etc., etc. Like most married couples, we entered our first marriages with preconceived notions of what we thought marriage should be. We expected our spouses to live up to certain expectations, be they right or wrong. And when they didn’t, we argued with them. In fact we argued plenty. So just to set the record straight, let me assure you, we are not above arguing. In fact I’ll confess to hurling a few dishes at one spouse. I think it was my second. But I digress. I just wanted to give you some background information before explaining why my husband and I don’t argue.
After two failed marriages, I was rather reluctant to enter into a third. As I explained earlier, it was never my goal to be married more than once. I used to think if you can’t get it right the second time, you should give up. Three marriages must surely make you appear unstable, and I didn’t want to be ‘that person’. But at 42 I was divorced, not dead. Loneliness has a way of making you rethink your options. I didn’t want to be alone for the next two or three decades.
Thanks to the Internet dating websites, I was able to explore my options in a unique and untried venue. I went on a lot of dates- probably more than I did in my twenties. I ate a lot of steak dinners and was taken to a lot of nice places. I had a blast. By the time I met my husband on line, I was ready to settle down, maybe for the first time in my life. I’d had three years on my own, without a steady man, so I believe I was better able to put things in perspective. One cannot also discount the maturity that comes with having lived four decades. You just don’t want and need the same things you did when you were 20.
My husband’s story was a little bit different. He wanted to be married. He was raised on Midwestern values of home and family. He’d dated and been married to women of questionable morals and he just wanted a gal like the gal who married dear old dad.
We met through an on line dating service. Although we lived in different states, he was willing to drive halfway across the country to meet me in person. We clicked instantly, and have remained inseparable ever since. He willingly left his job, his home, and his immediate family to move here with me, and I’ll always be grateful for the sacrifice he made.
He is the nicest, sweetest man I have ever known. After four years of marriage, I’ve yet to discover a lazy, malicious or dishonest bone in his trim, strong body. He is the only person I know who is truly dedicated to making me happy, and he does so every day.
We don’t argue, because, as yet, there’s been no reason to. We don’t have to expect anything from each other, because it’s already given. We put each other’s needs ahead of our own. There is no struggle, no push-pull that seems to cause so many conflicts between people. We are best friends and companions.
Perhaps the main reason we don’t argue is that we both came from such unhappy unions previously. We don’t have to prove anything to each other. All we have to do is enjoy being together, without the underlying resentments or hurts that can damage a relationship.
We know it’s odd, even potentially dangerous, that there have been no arguments. We don’t care. Been there, done that. It works for us.